Sofia Abridged
by albinotanuki
Summary: A parody of "Sofia the First" about the everyday life of the princess, her family, and friends.
1. Chapter 1

I'm fairly new to the fandom, so I decided to try my hand at writing a fanfic. This is basically a parody so not to be taken seriously.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Sofia the First_; that belongs to Disney.

* * *

In the land of Enchancia, next to the kingdom of Cummingsia (where all the citizens are voiced by Jim Cummings, including the women), lived a royal family not too unlike the Brady Bunch. There was King Roland II, who ruled Enchancia with an iron fist and planned on expanding his kingdom into an empire, Queen Miranda, who had recently started out as a poor single mother and is now abusing her powers as queen, Princess Amber, the alpha bitch of little girls who likes everything a little girls stereotypically would, Prince James, who does... boy things, and finally Princess Sofia, the little annoying girl who gets into all sorts of mischief is usually clueless about everything that happens around her.

One day, Sophia decided to interrupt her mother's pedicure to ask her a question.

"Mommy, if we live in the 18th century, how come sometimes we break out into song with music styles ranging from 21st century pop to rap?"

"Because shut up." said Queen Miranda to her daughter, "Anyway, your father is busy now planning a tactical strategy to take over Spain and all of its colonies."

"But aren't we Hispanic, Mommy?"

"Disney has decided we're not. Now why don't you go play with your rabbit?"

"Feed me! I'm adorable! I'm voiced by a White-acting Black man!" said the rabbit standing in the middle of the room.

"That's okay." said Sofia, "I think I'll go see what Baileywick is up to."

So Sofia decided to skip to where Baileywick the butler was.

Baileywick was busy with his clients supervising their fashion designing.

"Remember, use all the kale provided for you when making your dresses. Make it work."

Sofia walked up to the Ben Gun butler.

"Mr. Baileywick, can I be a model for your runway project?"

"I don't know. Your sister already has dibs as top model. Lets ask her."

"No bitch!" said Princess Amber in her kale dress, "This is all mine! You can't have it!"

"I know! I'll ask Mr. See-dric if he can entertain me!"

So Princess Sofia went up into Cedric the sorcerer's dark tower.

"Mr. See-dric?" asked Sofia.

"Its Sey- you know what? I don't care anymore. You can call me Mr. Fluffypants if you want; it wouldn't phase me."

"Mr. See-dric," asked the little princess, "I'm bored. Can you entertain me with your superstitious powers?"

Cedric began to ponder.

'I could use this opportunity to snatch the Amulet of Avalor from her and take over the kingdom.' he thought evily to himself.

Before he could perform his magic trick, King Roland II came in.

"Cedric, I need you for a moment. Could you follow me?"

"Umm. Sure your majesty."

Cedric followed the king into the courtroom.

"Now stand on that X, Cedric."

Cedric was nervous about what this was all about, but he did as the king had ordered. Suddenly, a bunch of mud covered pigs dropped on him.

"I originally planned on having pigs blood drop on you, but I thought actual live pigs was much more funny." King Roland smirked, "Seems my subjects think so too."

All of the subjects in the courtroom pointed and laughed at Cedric.

"Oh, if I wasn't a sadist who enjoyed others shortcomings, I would've had you fired for your incompetence." laughed King Roland.

"Aww, don't worry Mr. See-dric. I still love you." said Princess Sofia, wrapping her arms around Cedric's head.

"Yes, I- I love you too." said Cedric muttering while trying to take this opportunity to snatch her amulet away.

But Sofia caught sight of Cedric's fingerless gloved hands reaching towards her.

"BAD TOUCH, MR. SEE-DRIC!"

All the guardsman came and started to drag Cedric off into the dungeon.

"Its not what you think!" shouted Cedric as he was being carried off, "I was only after her amulet! I swear! I may be evil, but I'm not THAT evil!"

King Roland laughed and placed a proud hand on Sofia's shoulder.

"One day, Sofia, when you murder us all in our sleep so you can take the crown, you too will know the joys of abusing your power."

And that, my friends, is just your typical day in the kingdom of Enchancia.

* * *

Anyways, Please R&R.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, people wanted me to write another chapter to this and since I'm now stumped in trying to write the next chapter for _No One Helps Like Gaston_, I'd figure I'd kill time by writing this.

* * *

Another day in the land of Enchancia, where Pegasi are simply called flying horses for some reason (I guess Disney didn't want its audience to confused all of them with same Pegasus from _Hercules_ assuming that their audience has actually seen _Hercules_, but I doubt it since their target demographic happens to be Generation Z), Sofia, her bitchy sister Amber, and her token boy brother James, were playing in the garden together. Cedric was hiding in the bushes, ready to take Sofia's amulet, when suddenly Cedric's ankle monitor started beeping.

"Oh, Merlin's mushrooms." Cedric grumbled.

"Hi Mr. See-dric!" said Sofia spotting Cedric, "Are you here to play?"

"You know, I'd love to, but I'm afraid the authorities will extend my penalty, so I'll have to withdraw."

Cedric used his magic to disappear from the scene.

Meanwhile, Amber was showing off with her pet peacock, Praline.

"Hey Amber, if Praline is female, how come she's a pea-COCK?" asked James.

"James, you know such language is forbidden by our parents!" Amber scolded.

That's when James spotted someone coming over.

"Look Sofia, Its your shy friend and Crackle the dragon!"

Sofia shy friend indeed turned out to be Fluttershy and Crackle from _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_.

"Yay." cheered Fluttershy in a small voice.

Meanwhile, Clover was busy eating fried butter on a stick left over from Paula Deen's Southern Plantation themed wedding when another rabbit named Ginger (who looks more like a cat then a rabbit) came over to seduce him.

"Hey Clover," said Ginger in a seductive voice, "how's about you be Bugs Bunny and I can be your Lola?"

"I like Lola Bunny in _The Looney Tunes Show_; she's boring in _Space Jam_." said Clover, still stuffing his face with fried butter on a stick.

"Then how's about we play 'Hide the Carrot'?"

"Okay." said Clover, "I'll hide it in broom closet; no one will ever look there cause I never clean anything."

At that moment, Baileywick, played by Tim Gunn (Yes, I know I said "Ben Gunn" in my last chapter; I know now that he's not a character from _Treasure Island_) came over.

"Sofia, its time for you to have your Princess Welcoming Ceremony at Disneyworld and give you an illustrated redesign that'll make you look sexier than you already are."

"Baileywick, where do babies come from?" asked Sofia.

"Ladies poop them out," said Baileywick, "now come on and lets get your merchandise ready."

And that's just another typical day in the land of Enchancia.


	3. Chapter 3

Cedric was up that morning working on a potion when King Roland came into his workshop.

"Good morning, Cedric, I've come to give you your daily dose of low self-esteem." said the king before continuing, "Cedric, you'll never amount to anything and will always live a constant life of sorrow and misery. Also, I've noticed looking at the painting of your parents that both your parents have blue eyes and while you have brown eyes, plus you seem to look more like your mother than your dear old dad; I'm of course implying that your mother was a whore and you're a bastard, hence you'll never live up to any of Goodwin the Great's accomplishments. Ta-ta."

As Roland slammed the door, Cedric cringed in anger.

"I'll show him." he said to his pet raven, Wormwood, "Princess Sofia's coronation is today, so I'll use this potion to turn me into a little girl, stand in the audience, and then ask Princess Sofia to give me her amulet. I'll be so adorable that she won't be able to say 'No.'."

Later at the Princess Crowning Ceremony at Disneyworld, Sofia was receiving her crown from her father.

"Sofia, by extolling this crown to you, you shall follow in the footsteps of the other great princesses in teaching little girls love and compassion- except for Merida who's pretty much a bitch."

Princess Merida said nothing and just gave the audience the middle finger.

"Hence from this day forward," said King Roland, "I, along with the Diney shareholders, bestow upon you this crown and make you an honorary Disney Princess."

The crowd cheered as Sofia received her crown.

At that moment, a little girl with black hair and grey bangs came up from the crowds and over to Sofia.

"I love you, Princess Sofia. May I try on your amulet?"

"Sure." said Sofia, "You can buy one at the gift store."

"But I want YOUR amulet." cried the little girl.

"Sorry, can't take it off for anyone."

"But I'm a cute little girl who admires you."

"Speaking of which, you don't seem to be with your parents. We'll have to call security to come take you to your parents."

The security guard came and started dragging the little girl off.

"Damn you, Sofia!" the little girl screamed, "I was this close to taking over Enchancia! Why do you always have to ruin my plans?!"

Sofia smiled and then turned to the crowd.

"As your princess, I command all of you to buy my merchandise so you can piss off feminists and make little girls feel self-conscious about their bodies, in the name of Walt Disney!"

And the crowd cheered for their new Disney Princess.


	4. Chapter 4

I was inspired to write this chapter after watching the episode _Finding Clover_; I found it disheartening that, in a world where actual magic exist, everyone seemed to love and pay attention to the magician while Cedric, who does actual magic every day gets no respect; that's as messed up as having Harry Potter be upstaged by David Copperfield... and I thought that would make for a great chapter.

* * *

Cedric was out in his personal magic herb garden picking magic golden flowers for his potions when he heard laughter and cheers in the courtyard. He looked from over the hedge to see the royal family being entertained by Boswell the magician.

"Wazzawazzoo!"

With those words, the magician "conjured" up a bouquet of fake roses and everyone cheered.

'Wazzawazzoo? My fake latin spells are less ridiculous sounding than that and they actually work.' Cedric thought to himself.

Cedric watched more, baffled at how everyone loved and was paying attention to the illusionist who performed fake magic when he did actual magic every day for them.

'You know what? I'm going to give that magician a piece of my mind.' he said to himself.

Cedric then walked into the courtroom onto Boswell's show stage.

"Hello there." said Cedric taking Boswell's hand, "Boswell, is it? I'm Cedric, the SORCERER!" he shouted trying to remind everyone who the real magic maker was, "I DO ACTUAL MAGIC EVERY DAY FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY!"

"Ah yes," said Boswell, "King Roland told me you suck more than a lamprey."

"You're the one who sucks more than a lamprey; I do actual magic while you're just an illusionist!"

"Uh oh, somebody's Jelly-Belly." King Roland laughed.

"I AM NOT!", Cedric protested.

"Look, I can pull a coin out of Prince James' ear." said Boswell, "Wazzawazzoo!"

Bowell immediately "made a coin appear" from behind Prince James' ear and everyone cheered. Cedric was quite unimpressed, so he decided to use his magic wand to do Boswell one better.

"Auri appareat!"

Instantly, a chest full of treasure came out from Prince James' ear.

"There. Its treasure from the Nuestra Señora de Atocha. Spend it however you like."

But no one seemed to pay attention to Cedric; all eyes were on the magician.

"Watch as I make this rabbit appear my hat." said Boswell, "Wazzawazzoo!"

Boswell pulled the rabbit out of his hat. Again, he was met with cheers. Cedric took the challenged and waved his wand.

"Lepores appareat!"

An entire litter of rabbits appeared before the crowd, but still the crowd focused on the magician.

"Watch as I disappear!" said Boswell, "Wazzawazzoo!"

Boswell covered his face with his hands and the crowed applauded in awe.

Cedric's jaw dropped. All the magician was doing was playing "peak-a-boo" with the audience and yet somehow, he was getting more attention than him.

"Do none of you remember that invisibility potion I made not long ago? You know, the one that actually made Princess Sofia's rabbit disappear?"

But no one was paying attention to him.

Cedric's anger grew from insult as he realized he needed to really impress the crowd. He then went off and dragged in an elephant as the elephant tried to get away in protest.

"Come on, Gaja, there's no need to protest; I just need to do this spell for everyone."

Cedric then waved his wand.

"Mutato aurea!"

Instantly, the elephant turned into gold. Cedric then turned to the audience who just looked at him blankly.

"Look! I have just turned this elephant into SOLID GOLD! Are none of you impressed? I should at least get an award for bringing this elephant all the way here! I do ALL this magic every day to impress you people and I get no respect for it! What is it going to take for people to recognize my talent? Am I REALLY that bad that I make a small-trick magician look good?"

"Yes." said Princess Amber with her arms crossed.

"Well, I must be off." said Boswell as the crowed sighed in disappointment, "Don't worry, I'll come back next year."

Boswell then hopped in his covered wagon and road off

"WAZZAWAZZOO!"

"Well, at least he's gone and everything can get back to normal." Cedric said to him.

But at that moment, another covered wagon with a woman wearing Bohemian style clothing and her face painted brown came into the scene.

"Who wants their fortune told by Madame Yubetcha!" she spoke in a thick, obviously fake accent.

Everyone was excited and ran over to have their fortunes told. Cedric, however, was not pleased.

"Oh come on! She's not even a real Gypsy; its obvious she's wearing brown-" Cedric only sighed in defeat, "Just forget it."


	5. Chapter 5

This is a rather short chapter (I appologize).

* * *

Princess Amber got herself ready for her princess slumber party with her friends. She looked at herself in the vanity mirror, admiring herself; glad that she was conceived by the Disney company and not Dreamworks, who would probably make her look fat and green.

"Princess Amber, your friends have arrived." said Baileywick after opening the room door.

"Oh goody. I'll be down in a minute."

Ten hours later, Princess Amber went to greet her friends.

"Clio! Hildegarde! How are my multi-racial friends that I keep so no one can claim that I'm a racist doing?"

"Very well." Clio replied.

"So when are we going to have fun?" asked Hildegarde.

"Don't worry, Mom and dad provided us with some entertainment for the night."

The girls went into the observatory where their beds were made and started reading tween magazines trying to figure out who the cutest boy was.

"Well, I think now's the time for some entertainment."

Princess Amber rang a bell, summoning Cedric to entertain them.

"Good evening, young princesses." said Cedric, "Would you like me to put a puppet show on for you?"

"No." said Princess Amber, "We want you to read this to us."

Princess Amber handed Cedric an erotic novel.

"This is smut!" said Cedric reading the inside of the book.

"Its good smut." said Amber, "Of course, if you refuse, I could always tell Daddy to bring your head to me on a silver platter."

Reluctant to have his head severed from his body, Cedric began reading the novel with passion.

_'He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread … Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils … Oh my … It's a curious feeling. Once they're inside me, I can't really feel them—but then again I know they're there … Oh my … I may have to keep these. They make me needy, needy for sex.'_

"I must agree, this IS entertaining." said Hildegarde.

"That's nothing." said Princess Amber before turning to Cedric, "Once you're done, I want you to put on Princess Tiana's blue evening gown and sing us songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals."

The girls giggled as Cedric groaned and continued reading.

* * *

In case you're wondering, yes, Cedric WAS reading a line from _Fifty Shades of Grey_. That was the cleanest erotic thing I could think to post on this chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

I wanna thank Crazy Cakes 23 for letting me use her character, Alpha, in this chapter.

* * *

Cedric had made a new lady friend and decided to show her his workshop.

"Well Alpha, this is where I make all my potions." said Cedric.

"Ooh, a raven!" said Alpha admiring Wormwood, "You know, if you tie a piece of meat on a branch with a long string, they can figure out how to get to it."

"I find that statement degrading." said Wormwood, "I'm WAY smarter than that; I went to Yale!"

All of a sudden, Goodwin the Great appeared in front of Cedric.

"Congratulations on getting a girlfriend, my dear boy; I always knew you weren't a complete f**k-up."

At that moment, Winifred appeared to Cedric as well.

"Don't waste your life away from that harlet, Cedric! Its not worth giving your mother grandchildren!"

"Mother, I DO have a life I need to live. I can't always be a Mama's Boy."

"Cedric, honey, who are you talking to?" asked Alpha in confusion after seeing Cedric apparently talking to thin air.

"Mum and Dad."

"But I thought you said your parents were dead."

"They ARE dead... Its a sorcery thing."

"Are you sure its not a schizophrenic thing? Cause I know a psychiatrist who specializes in that department."

"I'm not schizophrenic!"

"Yes you are." retorted Goodwin the Great.

"You're not helping, Dad!"

Alpha just looked at Cedric wit confusion.

"So, what kind of potions do you make?"

"Oh, all sorts. Transformation potions, invisibility potions."

"Do you know how to make a love potion?"

"Oh Alpha, there's no need for that." said Cedric as he wrapped ih arms around Alpha and squeezed her butt.

Alpha squeezed back and then suddenly, a zombie mob came in and joined in the action.

We suddenly see that all the actions that had happened were being written down by Tina Belcher from _Bob's Burgers _in an erotic fan fiction.

"I don't know. I feel as if I forced it too much. Maybe I should've explored more into Cedric's schizophrenia before diving into the zombie orgy."

"Maybe the orgy and his relationship with Alpha are all just a part of his schizophrenia." suggested her little sister, Louise.

"That's tragic." said Tina, "I love it."

Tina wrote in her fanfic journal putting Cedric all alone in his tower making out with an imaginary Alpha.

"You're the best woman I have ever known." said Cedric as he continued to kiss his figment of imagination.

* * *

Yes, I'll admit, I'm a bit of a fan of _Bob's Burgers_. Maybe in the future I might do a crossover, but for now, I'm focused on another fanfic.


	7. Chapter 7

Prince Desmond was in the bathroom scrubbing his hands to the bone.

"Never clean. NEVER CLEAN!"

Fairy Flora flew in.

"Prince Desmond, its time to go."

"But I'm still dirty!"

Flora grabbed Prince Desmond and flew off, carrying him to gardening class, where he, Sofia, and James were about to have their first lesson from Miss Nettle.

"Hello class, today we're going to learn how to turn ordinary plants into abominations of nature."

"Like Audrey 2?" asked James.

"Yes, like Audrey 2." said Miss Nettle as she took out some flowers. "Today we're going to learn how to take care of a ticking tulip."

"Is that 'ticking' like a clock?" asked Sofia.

"No. Its 'ticking' like Tourettes Syndrome. If you get sprayed with its pollen, you'll start kicking, slapping, biting."

"What about swearing?" asked James.

"Yes, swearing as well. Now you three children take care of this potentially disrupting plant while I go off to do evil schemes."

Miss Nettle then flew off to steal the other fairies' spellbook. Once word had gone out, Sofia, James, and Desmond tried to come up with a plan.

"We've got to stop Miss Nettle." said Sofia.

"Maybe we can get Cedric to help." said Desmond.

"Are you kidding? We've already got enough Cedric-centered chapters already. Its like the author is some obsessive fangirl who's OCD is worse than yours."

Desmond wasn't even listening for he was too busy counting the hairs on his head.

"Hey, I think there's a spellbook in the clock tower.", said Sofia, "We can take it and us it for our own selfish needs before Miss Nettle gets to it."

The three of them using a giant rose to bring them to the top of the tower, only to see Miss Nettle with the book.

"You're too late." laughed Miss Nettle.

"Oh no. How do we stop her?" asked Desmond.

"I know!" said James reaching into his pockets for some ticking tulip pollen.

James blew the pollen into Miss Nettle's face and she started punching herself.

"Curse you little-COCK MONKEY! I'll get you for—MOO!"

Miss Nettle kept slapping herself and biting her arm, which gave the children the chance to take the book.

"Yay! Now lets build a waterslide!"

* * *

Okay, for anyone who's curious, yes, I do have OCD and Tourette Syndrome, so this just a little chapter poking fun at myself a little.


End file.
